When we are fully present for another person, when we really listen with our hearts, mind, body and soul we perhaps can put ourselves in their shoes. If someone is hit with a hard object and is bleeding, what do we do? We move in. We console, we seek to understand what exactly is wrong, where to be tender, where to apply pressure. Emotional wounds are not that different. When we have hurt someone, they are wounded. When they have been worn down by a situation, they need care. Leaning in and paying mindful attention with acceptance is the first step. Exploring what they need. Discerning where to be tender and what expressing a heartfelt understanding of the other’s experience is the first step to repair and healing.
If this sounds easy, it is, but it takes practice. Then what gets in the way? Why do we often miss the boat? The reason is that we get in the way. We think about ourselves as the other is talking, we get defensive and perhaps feel shame around the ways we might have contributed to the other’s painful experience. In other words we are not attending mindfully to the other. We are attending to our own response. We may be taking their feelings personally. We want to defend, to offer solutions or suggestions. Any one of these processes could be at play.
Next time your partner, friend or family member tries to talk to you, set yourself side, lean in, open your ears, mind and heart to understand what they see, hear and feel. It is not about you, or fixes, or solutions (unless they are asking for one) even if they are talking about you. You need only listen and deeply try to step in their shoes for a short while. Reflect back what you understand they are feeling, expressing and seeing. It likely makes sense after all
when you see it through their lens
